she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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