You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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