I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
