Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can text with my tongue
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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