4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
