I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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