Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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