Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
