he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
