here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
