I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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