He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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