i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
