i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
