Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
