the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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