i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
