i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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