Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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