If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
