I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Two words: blizzard sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
