Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
