how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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