sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
