Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
