I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
