just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
