Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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