True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
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new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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