please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
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She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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