I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
