Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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