I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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