I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
