The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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