Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
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...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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