apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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