my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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