been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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