Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
