Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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