so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
