And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize