wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
