Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
