I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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