I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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