Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
