If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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