I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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