would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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