Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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