3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i will never coherently bang her
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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