Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
