woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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