I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
