Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
