Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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