Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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