i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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