my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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