I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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