new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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