you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
