I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
